Emotional Rollercoaster

Let's just say that I feel like I've been quite emotional this past week. I'm doing everything I can to try to stay positive and optimistic. It's been hard balancing the fact that Mackenzie is doing absolutely wonderful and making improvements every day with the fact that it's still not quite good enough to hear those wonderful words "she is going home!" I feel like each day gets harder and I grow more impatient. I know that being in the NICU is the best place for her right now and she is getting wonderful care 24/7. However, that doesn't take away the fact that I want my little girl home with me.


The last thing that Mackenzie needs to do is conquer her feedings. She is currently on 4 feedings a day via breast or bottle. The past two nights she ate her full feeding (37mL) via the bottle at her 2am feeding. Mackenzie is getting stronger every day and thus we see improvements with breastfeeding at every attempt. As of now, the most she has taken from the breast has been 28mL. The difference is then supplemented through her feeding tube. I keep questioning the breast feeding because I wonder if it's me that can't provide her with the full amount that she needs. I asked the nurses "at what point do you decide that perhaps my supply isn't enough?" There response was that they would never say that. I have a guilty conscience because I don't want to be the one hindering her progress. I know that until she consistently gets full feedings she'll be in the NICU and not at home. So, I continue to wonder, perhaps I am just not capable of producing the milk supply that little Mackenzie needs.


Another difficult situation that I continue to get emotional about is the fact that for every day she is in the NICU it means one less day with her at home before my FMLA runs out. I will never get that time back. I get 12 weeks off to be with my daughter. But, that 12 weeks started the day she was born. In order to try to extend my leave, I am trying to do some work from home when I have time. However, time is the issue. I want to be at the hospital with Mackenzie as much as I can. But, that also means less time that I can work. It's a vicious cycle. There is very little time left in the day after considering all of the time spent at the hospital, feeding Mackenzie at 8am, 2pm, and 8pm, pumping every 3 hours, eating, sleeping, etc. Somewhere in there I try to squeeze in a few hours of work.

I'm hanging in there and praying for my daughter to get stronger every day. I continue to pray that she is home in time for Christmas....that would be the best Christmas present ever!!