....I head back to work on Wednesday, February 24th. It's hard to believe that Mackenzie will be 3 months old on the 24th and already time for me to leave her to head back to work. I am full of emotions over the thought of leaving her. I am feeling sad, guilty, scared, overwhelmed, worried and so much more.
I am so sad at the thought of leaving Mackenzie. I have enjoyed every minute of being at home with her (yes, even the lack of sleep or the fussy nights). I love picking her up in the morning and saying "good morning beautiful!" I love that she has the ability to make me melt with every smile. I love snuggling with her during the occasional nap. I love our conversations during feedings or when I am dressing her. I love seeing her so calm and relaxed during her baths. Yep, I pretty much love it all and it brings tears to my eyes to know that our time together will be limited now that I'll be back to work full time.
I feel guilty that I will be at work and missing out on her daily activities. I feel guilty that I'll miss some of her big milestones while I'm away from her for a majority of the day.
I am scared that she won't remember me. She has gotten so used to seeing me every time she wakes up and now I won't be there.
I feel overwhelmed. I am going to be pulled in so many different directions that I won't know which way to turn. I feel obligated to give 100% in everything I do and if I don't I feel like I am letting everyone down (especially myself). I am the type of person who feels the need to stay at work late until the job is done (which it never is). I feel like if I don't work late my superiors will look down on me or think that I'm slacking. However, I will feel even more guilty if I don't leave work on time every day as my #1 priority is my family.
I am worried that I won't be able to fit it all in...family, "me time," work, daily responsibilities (clean, groceries, dinner, etc.).
I have no doubt that Mackenzie will be well taken care of while I'm at work (since Andy will be home with her for his 12 weeks of FMLA). I also know that I am very lucky to have such a supportive and loving husband. Andy never ceases to amaze me in all he does for Mackenzie and I. We wouldn't be able to do it without him.
I just want to be the best....the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee that I can be. I hope I can manage it all.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteHow frusterating and sad that we live in a day and age where most families need 2 working parents! I don't know if it gets easier per say, but the guilt will change as she grows. I also feel like I carry so much guilt with me daily leaving my little guy. I also want t o give 110% to everything. Since my husband does our daycare drop off, I try to get into work insanely early so I can leave on time (I figure I would rather get in early while little guy is still asleep and be able to leave on time to play when he is aawake). The one thing that makes it "easier" as they get older is seeing their interactions with the other kids and how social they will be with that time in school. The learning he brings home and picks up daily amazes me. Also hearing his teachers talk about how good he is helps too. Of course I still feel guilty that I couldn't be there to share in this, but it does make you proud as well. It also makes shared vacation and weekend time all the more precious.
Be careful that you don't let the guilt prevent you from doing any after work activities (with friends, husband, etc). I always felt bad that I was gone all day long and would never make evening plans to get a night out- it took me a long time to accept that my guy did not mind me being gone for an hour or two as long as I came back. I think having daycare and a regular sitter has helped him be better adjusted to strangers and new situations as well.
Sorry such a long comment, just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from as does probably every oher working mommy- and the ones who make it look so easy- that's just a facade they feel the guilt too!